There’s a misconception, even with myself, that I have mild ADD. I can see why that conclusion comes up so often when people, myself included, evaluate my behavior. The list I’m sure at this point would be huge in terms of the evidence that could be presented in support of that deduction but there are crystal clear moments that occur now and then when I realize there’s a deeper truth to who I am. That truth really seems to center around the way my inner-self operates.
What might be alleviating or terrifying to most people is that I’m constantly playing out little storylines in my head. Now, it’s not to say I’ve been reciting War and Peace from beginning to end over and over again. More accurately, I dream up different scenarios, characters, stories and the like on a constant basis whenever my mind has a moment to stretch. The issue there is that it’s usually a new story every single time. Perhaps over the course of a certain duration, the character, plot and setting intermixes but for the most part, it’s like an improv show constantly restarting in my head.
Thing is, I never thought that was unusual, and perhaps it isn’t. It doesn’t distract me in anyway I like to think or infer that I have some neurotic issue, I hope. It’s merely that, when applied to how people perceive the external me, it might be misunderstood. It’s what I’ve determined provides me a well of improvisation that I feel I’m talented at and as well, the reason I feel I’m well versed at creating ideas on the fly, if not randomly. Thing is, while the fact I have a sort of library inside my mind of random little ideas I’ve sewn together over the course of a lifetime that allows me to use them at will, it also means things become a little hard to focus for me when I’m tasked to put that creative energy to a complete task.
Writing a novel would be a fine example of that. As I’ve said in the past, one of my longest dreams has always been to be a writer. Not for the fortune and fame that 1% of all writers accomplish but simply to allow myself to make a story real in such a way that others could share in it by simply reading it from start to finish. Knowing this, for the last years, every time the month of November has rolled around, there’s been a burning desire to put myself to task and finally start, and perhaps finish, one of the stories I’ve had in between my ears for so long. This year was no different and I decided on October 31st that it was time I stopped putting it off.
Hard part is, while I have several stories already dreamed up, the process in simply picking one to put to paper has almost become paralyzing. I’ve been so curious about my issue at hand that I’ve done some research to see if that’s a common problem. While I definitely feel that there’s a sort of Writer’s Block happening, it’s not in mind the standard definition of it. I have material, full material organized in my own way throughout my inner-notebook but for some reason, simply attempting to write the first paragraph becomes crippling for me. There’s almost this fear that I’m not leaving well-enough alone; that if I put a story to paper that I may risk discovering I have no talent for it, or that even odder still, that I’ll ruin the story in some fashion.
There’s a sense of ridiculousness then with all of that in mind that I spend words explaining my inability to forge words. Even moreso, it’s nearly 6 days into November and I’ve but wrote a sentence yet which starts to pull heavily at that same “ADD” I entertain as it tells me to make better use of my time rather than wasting it trying this current interest. That there perhaps is what truly makes me define myself as having the affliction is that I have a very demanding will at times that constantly encourages me to entertain it in some fashion be it through watching a movie or building a house.
Trick is, I desperately want to create stories that can be shared with others. There’s a passion there I’ve known for a long time and as I grow further into my thirties, I worry life itself will start to dictate what my dreams should be rather than what they really are.
At any rate, I just needed to relay it to my blog so that I at least put that anxiety somewhere for now in the hopes that releasing that frustration may allow me to finally just move past it and begin without fear of failure or success in this.
In other news, I do think Nicole and I may be bringing back a second dog this weekend. It’s just a matter of finding one.
Comments 2
You are not the only one my friend. As you know from our times with B.A.R. I can spin plenty of senarios of the top of my head as well. When I was on Staff with the Frontier I helped several DMs come up with storylines and senarios on the fly. I’d be in game and get a PM of, “Need your help, quick!” from a DM. I’d ask for a couple points of interest in what they wanted and in a minute or two would be spewing forth a crazy plot with alternatives and what not. Not to toot my own horn or anything.
Not to mention I suffer from the inability to stay focused on one thing for to long as well. AND, I’ve always wanted to put one of my many stories to paper. I’ve even started in the past only to wander elsewhere.
When at B.A.R. I think I hurt myself. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I had more posts and stories on those forums that if you put all them together it would have been a a LOT of pages. I wrote so much there that since B.A.R. crashed and burned I haven’t posted a single write up beyond a character background. Not that I had writers block, but because I was tired and the will and want was no longer there.
My reemergence, I should get your new border collie mix to spell these things for me, into pen and paper (sort of) has gotten those juices flowing again and I find myself on the verge of once again posting write-ups and stories from my character’s point of view. I don’t want to rush it and say ah hell I shouldn’t have done that.
Not to mention I’m not the most literate of folks. I’m the product of the world’s two worst spellers, and I may as well throw in typists. If it weren’t for spellcheck I’d look like a complete moron. My grammer usage isn’t a great deal better. When I do write my stories I have a hard time stying in the proper tense.
Either way brudda, if you’d like some help in your endevor I’m more than willing to help out. Perhaps two ADDs = one focusable person. I have stories in my head, I can spin tales nearly at the drop of a hat, and we both have many of the same things in mind.
Anyway the offer is always open man.
fairdady
Posted 10 Nov 2008 at 5:46 pm ¶Brandon… did you ever finish this? I didn’t know you were doing this as well. I did, clandestinely (sorta), and finished on the last day with 54k words. This was the first year I ever heard of Nanowrimo, I had a friend here in the cities who wanted to read a story, any story, written by me, so I went off and did it.
Of course, my easiest subject to write about was about BAR characters… though it focuses only on Dark Chasms and my Arcane Archer, Marcus. It does allude to say, Bloodaxe, but only to explain some past events.
right now, said friend is editing the story, but hopefully it will be in a readable form soon.
I’ll post more about this on mhoc
Posted 06 Jan 2009 at 3:54 pm ¶Post a Comment